Why Telling Someone to Be Grateful Can Make Things Worse

The Happiness Scientist Who Stopped Pretending to Be HappySha-En Yeo spent her teenage years being bullied in a girls' school, quietly asking herself "is this it?" A teacher left a note on her desk that changed something. Twenty years later, she's Singapore's first happiness scientist, trained under Martin Seligman at UPenn, and the author of an upcoming Penguin book called I Miss Feeling Like Me.But here's what she'll tell you that most happiness experts won't: no strategy creates joy. Gratitude journaling can actually make things worse. And the pressure on parents to stay positive is one of the most harmful things we do to each other.This conversation covers what toxic positivity actually does to the nervous system, why self-compassion has to come before any strategy will land, and the CALM framework she uses with her own kids when emotions run hot.It also goes somewhere more personal: her father's illness, the night she stood on a stage in a red dress at a Chinese New Year dinner on one of the hardest days of her life, and what she learned about authenticity when performing happiness was simply not an option.The conclusion Sha-En arrived at after 15 years in the field: joy is not something you chase. It lives in knowing who you actually are.Press play.About Sha-EnSha-En Yeo is Singapore's first happiness scientist, a two-time TEDx speaker, and author of the upcoming Penguin book I Miss Feeling Like Me. She holds a master's in positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, where she studied under Martin Seligman, Angela Duckworth, and Adam Grant, and has reached over 25,000 people across APAC.Social media: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shaenyeomapp/ https://www.instagram.com/shaenyeo/Website: https://happinessscientists.com/Book: I Miss Feeling Like Me (Penguin, forthcoming) What You'll Take AwayWhy "tomorrow will be a better day" is one of the worst things you can say to a struggling parentThe difference between happiness and joy, and why only one of them actually lastsThe CALM framework: a four-step tool for responding to a child's big emotions without toxic positivityWhy gratitude journaling can backfire, and what has to come first before any strategy will workWhat standing on a stage in a red dress on one of the hardest days of her life taught her about authenticityWhy self-compassion, not gratitude, is the bridge when you're too miserable for strategies to landThe five-step path back to yourself when you've lost track of who that actually is Chapters00:00 — Cold open01:10 — Bullied, pessimistic, and asking "is this it?"03:30 — The teacher who changed everything with a note06:00 — Fear of becoming a parent, and why she almost didn't09:00 — How she ended up at UPenn with a 10-month-old12:00 — Happiness versus joy: why the distinction matters14:00 — What toxic positivity actually does to people16:30 — The CALM framework for parents who snap20:00 — Emotions are data: how to regulate before you react23:00 — Pain is inevitable. Suffering is what we add.25:00 — Her father's illness and the labels we carry from childhood29:00 — Self-compassion as the bridge32:00 — The stage, the red dress, and the Chinese New Year dinner36:00 — The five-step path back to yourself40:00 — The hedonic treadmill and the $2,000 prom dress test43:30 — When the system does not fit your child (PSLE, and being honest about it)47:00 — Quick fire Connect with Growing PainsGrowing Pains is HoneyKids Asia's podcast for the conversations you want to have after the kids go to bed.YouTube: @growingpains.honeykidsInstagram: @honeykidsasiaWebsite: honeykidsasia.com Hit subscribe so you don't miss an episode. If this one resonated, share it with a parent who needs to hear it.Growing Pains is produced in partnership with Poddster, Singapore's podcast studio.#ShaEnYeo #GrowingPains #HoneyKidsAsia #PositivePsychology #Joy #Happiness #Parenting #ToxicPositivity #SelfCompassion #CALM #ParentingAdvice #MentalHealth #Singapore #Wellbeing