261: Why Your Kids Fight (It’s Not What You Think)

If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work.   In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble.    We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs.  Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them. Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic   Questions This Episode Will Answer Is sibling fighting normal?  Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you.   What causes siblings to fight so much?  The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include: Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!) To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their sibling To play!  A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”   What are the most common triggers for sibling fights?  Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting.   Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves?  Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less.   Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road.   How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other?  Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do.  You can do this by: Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoys Understanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challenges Teaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.   How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight?  When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them.   How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight?  You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight.   How do you get siblings to stop tattling?  Tattling usually happens when