Supporting a Partner With Vaginismus or Painful Sex: What It Feels Like and How You Can Help

This episode started with an email from a listener: a man in his twenties whose girlfriend has lived with vaginismus and pelvic pain for years. He wanted to know how to be a good partner to someone going through this.So this one is for the partners. I talk about what this can feel like from the inside, why she might pull away when you touch her and why that is not a verdict on you, and how the two of you can become a team around this instead of letting it come between you. I go through Natalie Rosen's research on the three ways partners respond, including the surprising finding about which kind of support is linked to more pain rather than less. And I talk about you, because you are in this too and you are allowed to be struggling.One in four women and people with vulvas experience this. There are real mechanisms behind it, there are treatments, and people do get better.SPONSORSPelva: the HydroSlix liner, a cushioning insert for more comfort during insertion. pelva.com, code TWTC10 for 10% off your first order.Origin: the largest in-network pelvic floor PT provider in the US, most patients pay under $36 a visit. theoriginway.com/TWTC, code TWTC for your first month of OnTrack free.Connect with Mathilde:IG: @theworldstightestcommunityWebsite: theworldstightestcommunity.comSign up to the newsletter: https://tinyurl.com/4h4snzzdSupport the podcast: https://tinyurl.com/mtxnzhsdCHAPTERS00:00:00 Introduction00:00:36 The Email That Started This Episode00:01:09 The Partner as the Only Witness00:01:51 Couples and Vulvodynia, Earlier Episode00:03:33 One in Four, an Overlooked Reality00:04:06 Real Mechanisms, Real Treatments00:05:02 Four Parts; a Note Before We Start00:07:00 The Sexual Script Both of You Inherit00:07:49 Sex as Penetration, Foreplay as Warm-Up00:08:33 Losing Him, Not Being Enough00:09:50 Why She Hears Something Different00:10:33 Pain and Desire, the Body's Protection00:11:54 Rejection, and Fear of Any Touch00:12:31 The Cycle You Both Get Caught In00:13:12 Sponsor: Pelva00:15:04 Sponsor: Origin00:16:39 Naming It Out Loud00:18:30 Us Against This, Not Each Other00:19:43 Holding the Hope on Her Behalf00:20:19 Being Told Nobody Knows Why00:21:43 What We Actually Do Know00:22:35 Seven Rejections, Finding the Eighth00:24:12 Tool: Penetration off the Pedestal00:25:43 Intimacy With No Required Destination00:27:02 Natalie Rosen, Three Partner Responses00:27:56 Solicitous Support and More Pain00:28:42 Facilitative Support and Lower Pain00:29:40 Tool: What to Actually Ask Each Other00:31:04 Tool: Letting Her Initiate00:31:40 You Are Allowed to Be Struggling00:32:58 Your Feelings Are Not Hers to Fix00:33:30 Facing It Together00:34:16 Closing Thoughts