Why the same conversation keeps coming back

Edge of Possibilities | Liz Murray | Leading the Team Reading time, 4 minutes Why the same conversation keeps coming back "I've already told them." I hear that from leaders all the time, and what I'd love to know is what they asked. In this episode I share two stories about the conversation that keeps coming back: my own three months of dropping hints to a team member, and my client Graham, who was ready to give up on two of his managers. Then I share the shift from telling to asking that changed it for both of us, and the questions to take into your next conversation. Key takeaways: Dropping hints and repeating instructions kept the same conversation going for three months. Things changed when I stopped telling and started asking. Asking about someone's vision for the role and their priorities can show you what's really going on, like discomfort with what the role asks of them. Regular scheduled catch ups with deeper questions moved Graham's team from frustration to working together, and gave him back time and headspace. Telling is Parent mode, below the line. Asking is Adult mode, above the line. Before you have that conversation again, book the time and go in with a question rather than an instruction. Watch the video: https://youtu.be/GEGnQYmpRi4 Listen to this episode: https://www.edgeofpossibilities.com.au/podcasts/leading-from-the-edge-podcast/episodes/2149266266  Read the blog:  https://www.edgeofpossibilities.com.au/blog/why-the-same-conversation-keeps-coming-back    Timestamps: 0:00 – "I've already told them" 0:45 – Three months of the same conversation 2:02 – Graham and his two managers 3:51 – Telling vs asking: Parent mode and Adult mode 4:29 – One thing to try before your next conversation 🎓 Ready to go deeper? Be Exceptional is Liz's signature leadership course for leaders who are ready to stop over-functioning and start leading with clarity and authority. 👉 Join here Connect with Liz: 🔗 Start Here, everything in one place ▶️ Take 5 With Me on YouTube, weekly leadership videos 🎧 Leading From The Edge on Spotify, the audio version 💼 LinkedIn, weekly newsletter and insights 📩 liz@edgeofpossibilities.com.au PUBLISH DATE: Monday, 12 October 2026 at 6:00am Sydney time EPISODE LENGTH: 5 minutes 13 seconds THUMBNAIL: Why the same conversation keeps coming back cover, Liz with the line "I've already told them"   Full transcript "I've already told them." That's what I hear from leaders all the time. And what I'd like to know is, what is it that you already asked them? Last week we talked about the habits that we already know that we have. This week is the conversation that keeps coming back. Same person, the same issue, and a few weeks later you're all still saying the same thing over and again. I'm going to share today what changed it for me, and share about a client of mine who was ready to give up on one or two of his managers. So I'm going to share two stories, and I'm also going to share with you the question that I ask before you have that conversation one more time. So the first one is my story. I had a team member and they weren't pulling their weight. I was trying to work it all out. I didn't know if they didn't understand the commitment that they made to the role, I didn't understand if they didn't know what the role was, or if they just weren't interested in doing what was expected of them. Over three months I had heaps of meetings with them. I kept dropping hints about what they needed to do and where to find the information that they needed, and I felt like I was really bending over backwards to help them. And it cost me dearly, because the work wasn't getting done. Everyone around them in their team was really paying for it, and they didn't seem to know or seem to care. So call me a slow learner, but it wasn't until I stopped telling them what to do and started asking them questions that everything changed. So what I asked them was, what's your vision for this role, and what are your priorities? Once I finally did that, what came out was that they were actually uncomfortable with what the role was asking of them. The training they'd been avoiding actually helped walk them through all of those exact steps. But they didn't know that, and neither did I, because I hadn't turned around and asked them the question. I want to share a story with you about one of my clients. Let's call him Graham. So he kept calling me on his way home from work, and he was really frustrated. He had these same two managers who, three months in a row, he kept calling me because he had an issue with them, and it was unresolved. And interestingly, Graham was running the same pattern as me. He was telling them what to do, and they weren't listening to him. And so he agreed to coaching, because he wanted to finally get rid of this frustration. It was really consuming him. So what was happening for Graham, as soon as he got to work he was so frustrated, he would walk into the office and start barking orders straight away. He was frustrated, tired and bossy, and he was micromanaging his team, and they were really feeling it. I was so pleased that Graham finally agreed to sit down and have some coaching sessions with me. He started by just letting out his frustration. He was at tipping point, he was really frustrated and saying, "You know, I might as well just pack up and sell the business. This is too hard." After we sat down for coaching, what he did differently was he started having regular scheduled catch ups with them, and asking them deeper questions to understand what was happening from their side, from their point of view. So now, as a result of that, they're all working as a team. Everyone's happier, they're more productive, everyone's getting everything done. But most importantly, Graham has got the time now and the headspace to get things done that are important to him, because he doesn't feel that pressure of having to micromanage everybody. So what are the takeaways from all of this? It's all about telling versus asking. So telling is what I call Parent mode, where we're bossy, we're judging, we're making assumptions, and we're coming in with that fixed mindset, below the line. Asking is Adult mode, above the line, where we're curious and we have an open mind. When a leader tells me, "I've already told them," I say, "I'm hearing what you already told them. What I'd love to know is, what did you ask them?" Telling is Parent mode, below the line. Asking is Adult mode, above the line. So in both of those stories I shared, the conversation kept coming back while we kept telling. It moved when we started asking. So here's something to try this week. Think of the conversation that you feel like you keep having, and it's frustrating you. Before you have that conversation again, book the time and go in with a question rather than an instruction. Try the questions that worked for me: what's your vision for this role? What are your priorities right now? If you've said "I already told them" this month, try asking instead. If you want to see which pattern is driving yours, take my Leadership Mirror. It's free, it only takes about 5 minutes max, and the link is below. Also share in the comments, what's the conversation that you keep having and getting stuck in a loop on?