E3: Sex, Sex, Sex and a Phone; S14: Non-Suggestive Vietnamese Spring Rolls. Or: On Being Versatile

You do realize this episode is called Sex, Sex, Sex and a Phone, right?And the artwork has a blue-haired guy on a telephone while a cute Vietnamese guy stands behind him making spring rolls.So naturally you might assume this episode is mostly about sex, telephones, or Vietnamese spring rolls.It is not.Those things are definitely in there. Eventually.Have you ever wondered what happens if you start talking with absolutely no idea where you're going?In this episode, you're going to find out.Hint: apparently you still go somewhere. Which raises the possibility that having a destination was never doing as much work as you thought.Have you ever listened back to yourself and realized that underneath a complicated argument you were basically asking:Am I significant enough?You'll find out what happens when I catch myself doing that—and decide not to throw the recording away just because I find myself embarrassing.Have you ever been with somebody for 26 years and still had no interest in getting inside their mind?My partner and I have different operating systems. Mine wants to focus on one thing until I've drilled through the center of the Earth. His can happily run a Korean drama, people gambling in Las Vegas, an iPad game, and something else on another screen while the television loses its sound.And he's fine.Have you ever wondered whether refusing to replace a sixteen-year-old refurbished television could be a personality trait?You're going to meet one possible case study.Have you ever wondered why somebody who almost never cries might cry at Tarzan?I have a theory.I don't actually know if it's true.Useful distinction.Have you ever heard of Attention Intensity Overload Disorder?No?That's because I made it up while talking.But if we call something a disorder, who decides whether it's producing a functional deficit?And functional according to whom?This leads, naturally, to counseling, diagnostic categories, Don Juanism, sex addiction, and my extremely scientific observation that many counselors apparently believe they're in the top 10 percent of counselors.Have you ever wondered whether gay men during the AIDS crisis might have had reasons for believing they were sexually compulsive because sex could kill them?And if you remove that consequence, what exactly are you treating?I went to Sexual Compulsives Anonymous for years.I liked programs.I still like programs.I like the instant community. The structure. The strange fast intimacy.But eventually I had to ask:If I enjoy having sex, enjoy meeting people, and the sex isn't interfering with anything I care about, precisely why am I supposed to want less of it?Don't worry.The episode does eventually become Sex, Sex, Sex and a Phone.I meet a hot guy at a bar.We have sex.We make plans for Laguna Beach.He doesn't show up when he's supposed to.By the time he reappears, I don't want him to come over.He comes over anyway.Things become uncomfortable enough that suddenly the telephone in my hand is not merely a telephone.Meanwhile, I already have plans with another guy.Very cute.Hot in an entirely different way.He's coming over to teach me how to make Vietnamese spring rolls.And here's the obscene part:We actually make Vietnamese spring rolls.That's it.Rice paper. Herbs. Food.Nobody makes a move.And somehow, decades later, the encounter where almost nothing happened may be the one that feels sweetest to remember.Have you ever noticed that?Sometimes the thing that almost happened remains more available to imagination than the thing that actually did.So yes.There is sex.There is more sex.There is a phone.There are completely non-suggestive Vietnamese spring rolls.But mostly there is a person walking home without a destination and discovering, in real time, that apparently the mind will manufacture one anyway.Which I guess makes me versatile.In more ways than one.