Love or Control? AI Girlfriends, Consent, and Polyamory

Is it better to be in a relationship where you're constantly contorting yourself to avoid saying "no," or one where your partner can't say "no" at all? Trick question. The answer is neither. In this episode of Do As We Say, Not As They Did, Harris O'Malley and Dr. Liz Powell are joined by author, educator, and longtime member of Philadelphia's polyamory community, Kevin Patterson. They read two stories that seem completely unrelated, but share the same uncomfortable truth: relationships stop being healthy when someone else's autonomy disappears. First, they dive into a spectacularly tangled Reddit post where a Dungeons and Dragons group has become a web of people-pleasing, poor communication, and emotional control. Then they discuss a Wired profile of Mystery (a pickup artist who rose to fame in the early 2000s) and his new AI girlfriend, exploring what it means to build intimacy with a partner who can never truly disagree. Prepare yourself for: Harris' 15 minutes of reality TV fame?!?! The D&D to poly pipeline How control can come from someone who acts like the victim The appeal (and danger) of a frictionless or only friction relationship The rise and fall of the early 2000s pickup scene Building an AI to train people into being better Healthy boundaries require honest "yes's" and "no's" From people-pleasing and emotional control to AI companions designed to agree with you, get ready for insightful takes about building healthy relationships that have boundaries, mutual respect, and a willingness to hear (and say) "no." Who Is Kevin Patterson? Kevin Patterson is a member of the Philadelphia polyamory community. He's been practicing ethical nonmonogamy since August of 2002 after opening up a relationship that eventually became his marriage. Kevin's work focused on polyamorous representation, leading to a blog project, Poly Role Models, the award-winning non-fiction book, Love's Not Color Blind: Race and Representation in Polyamorous and Other Alternative Communities, and, along with co-writer Alana Phelan, a sci-fi novel series, For Hire, which centers characters of color as well as other marginalized identities. You can find Kevin at: Website: https://www.kevinapatterson.com/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/polyrolemodels Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/polyrolemodels/ Twitter: https://x.com/PolyRoleModels Tumblr: https://polyrolemodels.tumblr.com/ Time Stamps 00:00 - Welcome and meet Kevin Patterson 02:54 - Books by Kevin Patterson and why representation matters 05:12 - r/RelationshipProblems: a polyamorous D&D disaster 09:16 - Rules vs boundaries 13:53 - First impressions…where do we even begin 16:16 - Why Bark's "yes" isn't safe 20:22 - When consent stops being meaningful 24:19 - You can't control your way out of insecurity 26:11 - The fourth option: break up 30:44 - OP's follow-up 34:23 - Advice for Bark, Thorn, and OP 41:04 - The biggest relationship red flag 42:46 - Mystery has an AI girlfriend 50:26 - Can you really date an AI? 55:06 - Pickup artists and objectification 59:02 - AI can't replace human relationships! 01:03:43 - AI psychosis and loneliness 01:06:14 - Please stop the AI slop 01:11:14 - Building the "perfect partner" 01:13:25 - Black Mirror's artificial intimacy cautionary tale 01:15:35 - What if your friend starts dating an AI? 01:21: 29 - Why you need to watch Chimp Crazy 01:25:32 - Real relationships need friction 01:35:27 - Final thoughts and where to connect with Harris, Liz, and Kevin Stay Connected 📩 Business Inquiries: doaswesaypod@gmail.com 📸 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/doaswesaypod/ 💙 BlueSky: https://bsky.app/profile/doaswesaypod.bsky.social 🐦 Twitter: https://x.com/DoAsWeSayPod 📘 Facebook: facebook.com/doaswesaypod ⏰ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@DoAsWeSayPod